Creative Connections & Client Communications
Counseling Insights April 30, 2005Love Received and Given
Everybody wants to be loved by everybody. Receiving love is reward for being who we are; it is support to grow; it encourages the future and keeps each one of us alive. [When someone doesn’t understand this, doesn’t believe it, they have a problem.] –We know how sensitive the need is, how fragile the evaluation process of love-received is. And we know that high developmental tension with the ruler of or major planet in the 11th House suggests undeniable anxiety, developmental tension, with our feeling lovable.
The earliest awareness of somehow being a pain for the parents, an add-on that upsets their life, a bane for your brother(s) or sister(s), being shunted off to grandparents or Boarding School … all of these “get out of my way” or “go to your room” or “I don’t have time for this” occurrences add up to “I’m not lovable,” and –when the significator of the 7th is also under high developmental tension—all of this insecurity is transferred into adult relationships as well.
With the 11th being opposite the 5th, with both Houses square the 8th, we see the sense of not being lovable as key with sexual considerations as well. Sexual difficulties are explainable. A lack of love expression makes it difficult to trust, to share.
THAT’s one clutch of all-too-common issues linked with love-received issues.
There is a corollary to this as well: it is safe to regard not being able to give love as unbalancing as well, even to the extent of neurosis.
If I can’t give love, I can’t relate. --It is as boldly simple as that.
AND: If I can’t give love, I’m not going to receive it.
These strictures in our development parallel strongly measurements showing the significator of the 2nd (self-worth) under high developmental tension, of Saturn compromising Venus, of suppressed conditions relating to the 3rd House as well (mind-set; most often depression). Naturally, when there is complication with the significator of the 7th as well, conditions of relationship are harrowingly upset by this syndrome.
We must be able to see these guidelines and appreciate them in the social interaction profile of our clients. –There seems to be a particular difficulty in doing that in our work, since so many astrologers face love-given-and-received challenges themselves, as people, not because they are astrologers. We must study the guidelines, the syndrome, in our own lives in order to be free and clear with discussing the concerns in the lives of others. If the self-worth is jarred, love cannot easily be given, and love cannot be received easily either.
Here are some behavioral considerations that are therapeutically helpful:
1. Understand the origin of the problematic concern; the conditions in the early home life, in detail. Isolate the behavioral defenses that have emerged and been routinized over time. There must be a conscious plan made not to repeat the avoidance behaviors in one’s adult life.
2. Realize that giving a compliment to someone –a personal compliment, not just an objective work-orientated evaluation [i.e., “That’s a beautiful dress you have on today!” or “You were so caring with that person; really touching” is much better than “You did well with that bank statement”]—giving a compliment to someone, daily, easily, frequently does not diminish you in any way whatsoever! You are not giving away status. Actually, you are opening a window for love to return to you. …Think through the awareness opposition between the 2nd House and 8th House, the second of the 7th. –This is the beginning of growth toward intimacy.
3. Realize that criticism is basically unnecessary –nothing can change from criticism except the amount of strain in the relationship -- unless you are being paid to do it, to be a critic! The growth of intimacy (friendship, trust, togetherness) on a personal level is abetted by knowing there is no fear of criticism, rejection, or abandonment in the relationship. --Criticism threatens; criticism separates.
4. Criticism issues from the fear and the insecurity of relating, of feeling you will not be accepted, appreciated, loved. Ascendancy through criticism emerges as the strategy of relating: one “hits” first before one will be hurt or ignored by others.
That is how love dynamics can get under way. Living these observations and passing them on to your clients in need enriches their life … and certainly enriches your astrology.
Love within Change Our love-needs change as we grow in age and experience. When we are very young, love is praise for our growing self-awareness and behavioral performance. --How many parents build child-confidence with love and endorsement rather than criticism, rules, and suppression?
When we are inundated with hormone waterfalls, we require homosocial support (“we all feel the same way”) and heterosocial confirmation (“you are so attractive”).
As young adults, the urgency of love-needs mellows in the light of needs for social emergence and workforce ascendancy. –Social invitations are signs of acceptance (integration); a raise is a corporate sign of approval, of love.
Aging brings gradual debilitation. We are not what we once were; we look different, we sometimes must battle disease. –Love becomes enriched more than ever before with the grace of acceptance.
And in advanced age, love is seasoned with memories … and planning for remembrance.
Throughout the whole process, the key for the fulfillment of love dynamics is sharing. --And quite simply: if there are difficulties at the beginning of the process, when there was no love sharing in the early home, the life model is weak. The avoidance behaviors become ingrained (the defensive self-sufficient Grand Trine holding relationships at bay, etc.). Our children learn our parents’ ways. Austere, cold lives are perpetuated to one degree or another.
In consultation about these concerns, it is amazing how helping your client to understand love dynamics can transform life. It is simply amazing.
Please think about love dynamics in your life and in your astrology. Share it.
[To go further with your study, please see The Astrology of Intimacy, Sexuality & Relationship.]
Next Update: May 31, 2005